Some of you may know that I had a minor heart attack last year.  When the cardiologist put in the catheter to get a look at my heart, they found that my body had already developed a pathway of blood vessels around the vessels that were blocked.  I didn’t even know that I had the heart attack because it was so minor and because  I have had angina for several years due to the extreme stress of the last few jobs I held in the Army, including my deployment, and due to the subsequent PTSD that I developed.   The doctor can never understand why I am not more worried about these issues.  Part of this is just the horror of PTSD that I have lived through.  Ever since I went through the most difficult years immediately after Iraq, I have feared nothing.  After going through those dark valleys, the very worst that a troubled mind and spirit can conjure up, everything else in life just seems small in comparison.  Now, I feel like, if I can face up to that monster, there is absolutely nothing else that I need to fear.

I truly understand the part in Psalm 23 about walking “in the valley of the shadow of death.” That’s where I was the first few years after I returned from Iraq.  During those years when I faced the worst of my PTSD, I was taking the full brunt of those terrifying emotions that completely controlled me, jerking me along like a puppet on a string.  In the overwhelming horror of the moment, I did some very stupid things.  I know that God must have been with me, and His angels stayed quite busy to keep me from doing anything that might harm myself in my reckless abandon.  I simply did not know what I was doing.  The feelings were so strong that they were all I could think of.  I was able to get through the day well enough, but I would always need that time at night where I could get off by myself and “self medicate” with alcohol until I felt safe, and only when I felt safe could I let any of those feelings out or think about them.  But I had to negotiate my way through them somehow because, to me, they felt like a powder-keg during the day, just waiting for the right spark to set off the explosion.

I lived in those days with a constant death wish and thought of suicide very often.  The one thing that kept me from acting on any of the suicidal thoughts was that I knew I would leave pain behind, and I could not do that to my children. No matter how bad the pain got, and no matter how dark my thoughts and feelings, I knew that was a line I could never step across.  I’m sure God was with me all those years, too, although I was too distraught to feel Him and too angry at Him for allowing these things to happen to me, so I never, ever prayed in those days.  But now that I’ve gotten beyond the worst of the pain and have gotten back into my prayer life in spades, I have learned so much more about God and can look back on those years and see His hand in so many things.  Moreover, the suffering has opened so many windows into God’s wisdom.  There is something supernaturally powerful about suffering greatly in His name, following in the footsteps of our Savior’s Suffering.  Some may question whether I suffered in His name given my military career, but the path I followed was a path that He laid out for me.  For all of my adult years, I have always yielded to Him and have always kept my heart humble, so I know that the suffering that I endured was by His design, working into His plan of sanctification for me.

I pray that you will all know God’s plan for your lives and that, if you are going through suffering or spiritual darkness (“the valley of the shadow of death”), you will be filled with His peace that passes all understanding and with His courage and wisdom to endure this time of your life. 



Leave a Reply


    I'm a retired soldier, having spent 23 years of my life serving our country, actually 30 years when you count the reserve and National Guard time as well.  I believe in servant leaders, following the example of our Lord, and I believe in giving back to the troops once one has attained a certain status or level of success in life.  But I also believe in fighting back against corruption and incompetence wherever you find it if it hurts people.  Our national values were worth dying for.  They are also worth living for.  A man or woman can actually live a life by these principles of humility, service, love, duty, and honor, and have a significant impact on the world around them...if you have the dedication to see it through. 


    November 2013
    October 2013
    September 2013
    August 2013
    July 2013
    June 2013
    May 2013
    April 2013
    March 2013
    February 2013
    January 2013
    December 2012
    November 2012
    October 2012
    May 2012
    April 2012